…We have “pasta Tuesday” every single Tuesday. I’m at Yoga and Adam’s skills in the kitchen include boiling water and forgetting to turn off the oven. But he’s really good at spaghetti with red sauce. Whenever I clean the pots and dishes, I have to smile. You taught us that it’s NOT ok to pour your spaghetti sauce straight out of the jar, onto your pasta. You heat it up in it’s own pot. “Those small pots are called sauce pans for a reason.” You also used as many dishes and utensils as possible when cooking and presenting a meal. I obvi like to do as little work as possible after cooking. You liked to get a bowl out for each ingredient to set on the table, which pissed me off since I was always on clean up committee when you cooked. While I still don’t agree with using every item in our cabinet, I will at least enjoy some warmed sauce on my pasta, and think of you.

…Going through Olivia’s clothes helping get her stuff together for her second year photos was frustrating. Ben had gone shopping, but I wanted to pick out what I know you would have wanted her to wear. I just wasn’t sure if you’d think it was perfect enough or not. You loved playing dress up with her. In fact, I think part of you wanted to have babies just so you could play dress up. Even for her one year pics, you were in the hospital so I had to do it then as well. I suppose I might be helping do it for the rest of her adolescence? This year wasn’t as bad because there was still a bunch of outfits left that you bought her. During your depressed times, you bought a bunch of clothes for future years because you were certain you wouldn’t be around to shop for her when she was in 2T, 3T, etc. While I was pissed your were shopping that far out at the time, I am happy you did it for this very reason.

…It’s not often I hear the song, “Ignition” by R. Kelly, but when I do, what a huge smile on my face. Remember being in Snowshoe with your students and Cory and Austin singing AND dancing to it? OMG. Right after the “how many cheeseballs can you stuff in your mouth” contest. That was such a fun trip. I can so easily hear you laughing at those kids. I’m sure they miss you just as much as anyone.

…Whenever I see someone wearing your pink bracelet still, almost a year out, I realize how much you really moved people. It really makes me happy inside to see the bracelets floating around. I still have people asking if we have any left because they want to continue to think of you daily. Mine has fallen off various times. Each time I think it’s you saying it’s ok to not wear it anymore. To let go a little. But then I always find it. Sometimes in the most random places and I can’t for the life of me figure out how it got there.

…My SIL’s mom was throwing out a wreath over the weekend. I saw it in the trash and for some unknown reason, I decided I should recycle it. I don’t have time for DIY crap. But this (you) wreath spoke to me. “Don’t let that go to waste. Little spray paint. Little embellishment. Perfection.” I wanted it to be teal but no such luck. So pink it is. Of course. You’d be proud that i’m takin the time to get all crafty up in here.

…I had to go to your house to dig out some costume stuff for Britt. While I was there, I grabbed some clothes and jackets for us. (Which btw, Britt found a bloody used tissue in one. SICK. But so not surprised.) I have checked your closet so many times over the past year for this blue shirt that I borrowed a couple years ago. You said you loved it on me and so I desperately wanted to have it. It was not there and suddenly it appeared a couple days ago. Just in time for me to wear it for my family pictures. Thanks for letting me find it! It matched my new skirt perfectly!

…Of course I’m making our Halloween costumes this year. Nori’s costume is a tribute to you. I can just see your eyes lighting up, hands near your heart with quick little claps, all giddy with excitement. The best part is that she talked about you as she was trying it on because she thought of you as well.

’tis the season.

…A client gave me a bunch of Japanese candy for my birthday. A few packs were SOUR cotton candy infused with pop rocks. UM WHAT? It was delicious, duh. All I could think about was how much you would have loved it. The pack I had was sour apple which was your favorite. Against everyone’s wishes you continued to hide candy in your nightstand each hospital stay. Ok, maybe you gave up on the hiding thing after awhile. One time I was almost to the hospital and you called insisting I detour to some place that sold blow pops and Haribo gummibears. The sour apple blow pops were always the first to go. Then of course you’d chew the gum like a damn horse and that made me crazy. Sometimes you would steal my suckers because “I just need one lick, real quick.” I always fell for it, even though I knew I would never get my sucker back.

…Recently we had to reconstruct mom and dad’s pond. I know you like to communicate with her via deers, but If i find out you sent those deer through her pond as a sign, then so help me! With the help of all of us and a LOT of hours, the thing is finally balanced, with pretty waterfalls AND stable. Did we enjoy any bit of doing it? Nope. Mom kept saying how you were the only one who loved doing yardwork with her. Flowers and plants were your thing, not mine and Britts. (I still have leaves from last fall in my yard!) We will continue to help them keep their yard pretty, just channel some of your green thumb into me so it’s not so painful. Pleeeease.

…I’ve recently photographed a couple of your friends. Both sessions went really well and I so wanted to hop in my car to call you and tell you all about the cuteness I just captured. This week I had an especially hard time because it was a baby girl who I know you’d refuse to put down if you were in her presence. On my way home, you clearly saw I was having an emotionally rough drive. I know you had that van cut me off to snap me out of it. The large “Purcell Marian Cavaliers” bumper sticker told me so. Thank you for your little reminders. They never go unnoticed.

…Speaking of your friends. Multiple have had babies, others are currently pregnant, and one recently engaged. Everyone of them knows you had your hand in each of these things. It’s sad to me that you won’t be throwing wonderful showers with cutesy details but it makes me happy that you are so clearly still involved in their lives. Maybe it’s not with nursery ideas or wedding details, but experiences you are sharing with them in a different way. I know you are celebrating for them up there.

…The phrase, “come on Ali, help a sister out,” is the most overused phrase of my inner voice. By the 4-5th time I’m in the kids room each night, I finally beg for your help to keep them asleep for me. Some nights you pull through, other nights I know you are teaching me patience. Teaching me I need to enjoy those hours awake through the night because they won’t always be little. They won’t always need me like this. But seriously, can you give me at least 4 hr stretches once in awhile. I’m freaking tired.

Ali and Martha stealing babies. I wish more than anything you could have taken this picture of you two holding your own babies together.

…Each time I drop my phone, which is like 8 times a day, I laugh and think about all the cellphones you destroyed. You had a special skill in breaking those things.

…At Olivia’s second bday party it was hard to avoid the elephant in the room. Instead of feeling the void, it was easier to embrace the angel in the room. Olivia sat in the same seat at mom’s as you did together, when she helped you blow out your 31 candles last year.

…Recently we may or may not have left Lilo outside our house while we were on our way to the airport. Reminded me of the it happened so much I couldn’t begin to guess a number of how many times you left Hula outside. Sometimes your were still home and forgot you let her out to potty (unleashed), sometimes you were pulling away and the owner of the house you were at was chasing your car waving their hands yelling, “wait! you left Hula!!” Sometimes it was even in the snow and 10 min after you had left, I’d hear scratching at my door. “Ohhhh Ali forgot to put Hula in her car. Again. SIGH.” You unintentionally did it everywhere but mom’s. You most definitely did it on purpose there because you didn’t feel like taking care of her for a few days.

…You and I have this (slightly disgusting) habit of leaving half used tissues laying everywhere. As I just blew my nose once and left the tissue with 3/4 of it still usable sitting on my desk, I smiled and thought, “wow that’s so gross of me.” But why should I waste the rest of the tissue when I will need it again within the hr, or maybe tomorrow? There were even still half used tissues waiting on your nightstand for you to come home from the hospital.

…I bought a pair of teal skinny jeans. I needed to call you to get your opinion. I couldn’t decide if you would think I’m too old for them or I needed to be more hip so I just assumed you would tell me to get them. Remember those furry lined clogs I used to wear in the winter? Whenever you would see me out in them you’d say, “HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STOP WEARING YOUR HOUSE SHOES IN PUBLIC??” You even tried to hide them once at my house.

…I was talking about Sam’s Club the other day with friends and all I could think about was the many hilarious trips we took together. We’d go after church and fill ourselves up on samples. And God help us, if there ever was a live infomercial salesman, we had to stand and watch. And how often did we HAVE to buy it. By that I mean, you’d convince me I had to buy it so you could use it at my house. One trip we came home with 6 new knives, 2 veggie choppers and two mini juicers. Ben and Adam told us we weren’t allowed to go alone any more. Oops!

…Over the weekend I was cutting the grass in a slight hurry. Remember when we used to push the mower so fast we were almost jogging? We considered it a workout and if my neighbors were lucky, one of us would just keep going yard to yard. And isn’t it so cute how Nori follows along with her mower now? She is so proud to be helping.

…Every time I go to the zoo I think about the times we went there together. This pic below was from when Nichole was in town to see you. We made plans to go to the zoo with all of our kids and on the way there you got sick. We had already been there waiting so you insisted on still coming. I’m very thankful you did. I have some cute videos of you and Nori as well as precious pics like this one. She wanted to sit on your lap the whole time but it was hot and too much. So she just had to hold your hand. That was well over a year ago now, I can’t even believe it.

…Nori has become slightly addicted to “flavor pops”.  It seems as though the only way to stop the battle to eat her dinner every night is to bribe her with a popsicle. Actually, now she tells us, “I will eat 5 more bites, and then I will have a popsicle. Ok?” Once I taught her the correct way to eat them, she enjoys it much more. Remember when we used to use that little silver hammer our folks have to smash the popsicle? The handles to the scissors work too. We wanted it to taste like a slushie, so we would beat the crap out of it before opening and tada!

…I was greeted at the entrance of a client’s wedding reception with a frame that stated they made a donation to your Rock Pink account instead of having favors. I had no idea they were doing it. As I read it, I stood there and cried. Then the bride’s father came up to say how honored he was to do that, then he started crying too. Unexpected.

…On your bday all I ate was sugar. Britt and I discussed how interesting it is that you either ate a pile a sugar for a meal OR a pile of veggies. One extreme or the other. Strange.

…With all the pink I have in my wardrobe, I can’t seem to wear anything pink anymore without Nori asking, “you rockin’ pink for Ali?” Somehow you have taken ownership to the color pink even though I’ve always worn it as much as you. You just prefer baby pink to my hot pink/fuscia.

…I keep twizzlers on my desk and while I work I munch. Some days I just want to bite off the ends and drink mountain dew through it like a straw. I can’t remember if Britt or Dad taught us that, but regardless it’s delicious.

…Every time I drop off Rachel at her XU dorm I think of you as a young college freshman living in the same building as her. She’s got multiple people in her hall wearing tutus now, you know. They even wore them to the Red’s game and scored a spot on the Jumbotron!

…The watermark perfect smiley face you left on Adam’s computer couldn’t have been more obvious evidence to us that you are always right here. (Especially since we don’t put glasses on our computers!!) He left the whole circle and face there for a couple months and it saddens me to see it’s disappearing.

While Ali lived with us she was notorious for leaving behind crumbs…everywhere, especially on our computers. Finger prints, smudges, you name it, you didn’t need CSI to prove she was on your computer. I love that fb allows her profile to stay active. I can just pull up her profile when I need a little encouragement to smile instead of be sad. I can hear her so clearly yelling at Adam. (Click the image to make it bigger if you can’t read it.)