a tuturific event!

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We gathered a large team of people and made them work as slaves for us as we assembled a couple hundred tutus. We all had a great time and don’t worry, I at least gave them some water. :) Sorry about the crappy iphone pics :-0!

We were making them to sell to runners at the flying pig expo last weekend. With the profit we are now able to make a ton more to donate to oncology patients and we should be able to buy some books to donate as well!

Our booth at the expo! Laura did such a great job putting it all together! Thanks lady!

We actually ended up sharing the booth both days with Pigtails boutique. Super cute stuff!Thanks everyone for all your help. We will be hosting another tutu sweatshop soon!

Peace, Melanie.

I thought of you…*mel-3*

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…As I sat in the living rm typing a blog about you at 1am, one of the toys in the toy chest say, “peek-a-boo, i SEE you!” I chuckled that it was you enjoying what I was writing. Then I heard the angel wind chime outside I received as a gift that was to remind me of your presence. My heart skipped a beat, not gonna lie. Slightly creeped out.

…I was clipping mine and Nori’s fingernails and I noticed she has your skinny nail shape. Your hands/nails were different from the other 4 of us. I was always jealous because you had pretty hands. I remember your ring finger nails had a funny wave where the nail grew off the nailbed. Maybe your hands were always more pretty because they rarely saw hard manual labor? You had no issues getting down and dirty doing service work, but around the house you…”delegated”. :)

…Whenever we go to smoothie king it’s hardly enjoyable for me anymore. All of us always get “pineapple surf” and if one of us wasn’t there to enjoy it, we’d for sure text an image of us enjoying it to rub it in their face. Adam even posted a pic on fb the other day saying, “This one is for you, Ali!”

…Adam was googling images last night. I started laughing because he’s terrified of what he might find. I laughed at him because when you lived here, we used to “google image” things on a daily basis. Anytime we or someone didn’t know what something was, it was almost a race for us to yell, “GOOGLE IT!!”  Remember that one time we watched video after video after watching the TLC show about rare birth defects. We were glued to my mac for like 3 hours. The videos were incredibly sad but it was like a train wreck, we couldn’t stop watching them!!

…Gina asked permission to print some images of you bald to share with her other female patients who were losing their hair. A patient said you looked so strong and proud.

…Mom delivered the books to the different libraries in your name. We handed Ms. Kathy and Ms. Catie theirs after story time. They kept saying “how beautiful and pretty” they all were stacked on the counter. I chuckled inside because only a librarian would say such thing, like a little kid in a candy store.

…I was working in bed and did something you used to do and it DROVE ME BONKERS. I ate a snack. I HATE when my bed has crumbs in it, but I was in a hotel, so I only had to deal with it for a day. I remember one time Ben was gone and you came home drunk. You made me cuddle you and twirl your hair. When I thought you were asleep I came back downstairs, only to have you barge in our room 30 minutes later. AND you had a handful of pretzels that were falling all over my bed as you jumped in and demanded to have a late night chat. I made you change my sheets the next day. :)

…I had to drive Adam’s car the other day and was unexpectedly hit in the face with your pic. I was unaware he kept your prayer card on his visor, very sweet of him. One of those moments I was feeling so “normal,” and thennnn I wasn’t.

…Every time I have a caeser salad toGo from Panera I think of your very first chemo treatment. I bought lunch for you, me and Ben and that was the first time I’d ever ordered a caeser from there. I vividly remember sitting in the wooden chair next to your recliner inside the curtained area. It was so surreal, because everyone around you was so old and sick and I refused to put you in the category of “sick.” I just remember being so anxious to get out of there. I kept my head down and focused on my salad and tried to ignore everything that was going on around me.

…Whenever I hear Olivia say a new word, I imagine you grinning ear to ear, feeling so proud. I just love hearing her say all of our names now. Nnnnnnnoriii is my favorite though, because she can finally communicate with her little BFF. DOUBLE TROUBLE, they are!

…All the jeans and some tops I have been wearing have been yours because they are the perfect “in between” for me. I stopped replying, “they’re Ali’s” whenever people complimented me on something because, I guess, I’ve inherited them. It’s a strange feeling knowing that I don’t need to bring them back if I don’t want to.

If I remember correctly, this image was one of the first times Brittany left baby Ella in our care. So we pretended to be asleep when she got home. Because we are funny like that.

Peace, Mel.

deja vu.

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Walking to our gate in the airport, everything started to look so familiar. I felt a bit of deja vu until it hit me. Only one other time I sat at this gate and it was when you, me, Olivia and Nori flew to Hilton head. That trip was so crazy on the whim and one of those “why the hell not?” decisions we made. When deb asked us at Nori’s party to join her the next week on vacation we both said, “I wish!” But then you realized you didn’t have to work, the trip would basically be free, what would hold you back? So you started looking up flights and basically told me that Nori and I were joining you because, “you said so.”  We had always worked wonderfully as a team, so traveling with the kids wouldn’t be hard.

The gate held such a distinct place in my mind because I’ve watched a video of this spot no less than 50 times. It is one of Nori’s favorite videos to watch of herself! It was the first time Nori walked more than just two steps. She chose to walk to her Aunt Ali before anyone right there, next to the seats I was sitting in almost a yr and a half later. I could hear your voice as you cheered Nori on, step by step towards your open arms. As I walked down the gate ramp I remembered us giggling because we were without Adam and Ben. Our hands were full with diaper bags, purses, a bag of crap to entertain the kids during the flight, a 4.5mth old and a fresh one yr old. Oh and we each had a stroller. It really was quite a sight.

As Adam and I boarded the plane I glanced back to see where we sat last winter. The flight attendants asked people to move so we could have the entire last 2 rows to ourselves. They had been bending over backwards to help us. Something about two young blondes and their cutely dressed baby girls called for everyone’s attention.  People kept walking back to talk to us and the kids like they’d never seen a baby before. Of course we soaked up the attention and allowed them to pamper us. Not to mention free food and extra drinks both flights. Hell yes! Nori even got a tour of the plane and Olivia was bounced around the aisle to give you a break.  But of course Nori saw your open arms as a chance to jump in, even though she had two seats to herself. You read her books over and over most of that first flight. Man, Nori sure does love you.

People stared at us as we carried off all our “baggage” down the narrow steps onto the tarmac.  We had to laugh too as one of the kids would throw something two seconds after we’d rebalance ourselves. The shuttle from the plane to gate was most hysterical for me, not you. Poor Olivia was dressed for cold Cincinnati weather, not Miami where we were connecting. She was hot, tired, starving, and pissed. You desperately wanted to nurse her to calm her down but it seemed as though we were stuck in the middle of 75 people in a 50 passenger shuttle. Your anxiety and charm rewarded you with a seat and two men holding all your crap while you tried to discretely slip Olivia the boob. I was never amazed with how even strangers, would do anything for you.

While in the air, I wonder if I should feel closer to you. When speaking of heaven one always looks upward to the clouds. When flying above them, it’s like I’m “closer” to you but you still felt so far away. The clouds were beautiful, fluffy with a light pink sky peaking through beneath them. I imagined you floating above one, just outside our window. I don’t picture you in full human shape anymore, but I still can see your porcelain face. I knew if i kept up my desire to connect with you further, I’d soon be digging for tissues in my purse wedged under the seat in front of me.  I chose to fight the tears in public, so I had to stop myself from imagining you anymore. Though I wanted to feel that closeness to you, it just didn’t seem like the time or place to be so vulnerable.

Sure enough, as Adam and I were walking into our layover airport in Miami it occurred to me where we were entering. “Yep.” I told Adam this was the airport we had our layover too. I pointed to the snackbar where we bought a salad you made me share because you wanted me to eat something healthy. (You always forced me to eat well when you live with me. You and Ben even said I couldn’t have dessert until I ate my vegetables! Funny cause I’ll never forget when we were little and we hid our veggies in our milk or fed them to the dogs.)

Adam and I walked away from the gate for some time and when we came back I needed to charge my phone and mac. Why wouldn’t the ONLY outlet available be next to the very seats we sat in and barricaded the kids while we waited for our flight. I sat down talking to mom on the phone checking in on our babies since I had just heard a whaling baby cry. The sound of his scream made my heart hurt and miss the kids who I had only been gone from for 7hrs. While talking, someone walked by and brushed against our stuff. I noticed something fell out of my purse so when I hung up the phone I jumped up to grab it. Lump.in.throat. I couldn’t believe what it was. Mom always says she knows when you’re communicating with her because you throw it so obviously in her face. You’ve done it to me quite a few times, but this moment, I was already weak from reminiscing our trip. I picked up the small white  paper. I knew what it was the second I saw the shape and type on the back. Adam gave me a puzzled look, but I was so instantly moved to tears I couldn’t even speak. I handed him the ticket stub from our NKOTB concert the 3 of us went to last summer. The ticket stub I had tucked away in my wallet that night knowing it’d be a really long time til I’d remove it. That blogpost tells how great of a night it was for you, me and Britt. You  know I was clinging to those memories for fear it’d be one of the few last we’d have of just the 3 of us having fun. I have no clue how that stub found it’s way out of my wallet. I have no clue how it hasn’t been lost in my purse changes and kids rummaging through it on the counter. But what I know for certain is YOU blew that stub out of my purse at that moment. YOU needed me to know you remembered all those moments we shared at both airports and the trip. I’ve felt you a number of times recently, but that time, that time I felt you sitting next to me just like last year.  Almost as if in the flesh.

I’m so glad my client put us with the same airlines as our HHI trip. Otherwise, none of that would have happened for me and I really needed it to. We were even blessed with a sunset take off on the way home so we were above the clouds as the sky turned into a magical gradient of pink around the bright orange sun. My memories of HHI with you hold a special place in my heart because It was before “sick” and “cancer” crept into our lives. It was when you weren’t physically limited and your clothes weren’t baggy.  It was one of the last great memories I have when you were just so…you.

Thank you for your clever little reminders that you are always with us.

Love, Mel.

Panic.

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What is it about holidays that brings on emotion after the loss of a loved one? My whole family is together weekly, often our extended included. Why is the void so much stronger because it’s a special day? I took this image of Ali, Ben, and Olivia last Easter.

An entire year has passed. Hard to believe. On Tuesday I was emailing with someone from NKU about another upcoming book fair this mth. She wanted some links concerning Ali from the blog. I was in the middle of working and why I thought it was a good idea to actually re-read the posts, I’m not sure. You can obviously assume what happened from there, as it wasn’t a pretty sight. It was Tuesday I realized Easter is days away and here we are celebrating another holiday one person short again.

Last night I was face booking in bed (terrible iPhone  habit) and I read several posts about praying for people who just lost their loved one. I read a post about my friend who has been battling cancer for yrs and just finished up brain radiation. Then I read the faith filled blog of a mom whose birth I’m shooting in a couple weeks. Her sweet baby girl has t18 and the statistics of her living outside the womb are very low. I started to panic thinking about being at her delivery and the worst case scenario happening. I tried to distract myself and all I could see was Ali when I closed my eyes. And suddenly I was relating today, Good Friday, to these situations. I saw Mary at the foot of Jesus, begging for his agony to end. I saw my mom by Ali’s bed in the ICU praying her child through her death, like Mary. Then I saw my client holding her baby, praying, whispering in her ear for her to continue to take each  breath. Before I knew it I was struggling to breathe myself. I put my phone down on my pillow and tried to control my breathing. I’ve never had a true anxiety attack, but from what Ali used to tell me, what I was experiencing was pretty close to it. I was on the verge of a ugly melt down which I desperately wanted to avoid. I hate crying myself to sleep. HATE. But I couldn’t stop thinking about death. About how we all will die. I’ve never been scared of my own death, it’s the death of my loved ones I fear. As Adam tried to soothe me, I told him how messed up it is that we all have to die and we have no idea how or when it’ll happen. He held my hand tight, cuddled up to me and said, “ya but we have to live first.” Yep. That’s kind of obvious. But since nov 3rd, I’ve had this lingering fear of who I will have to bury next. And last night it became a whirlwind of panic. Maybe I should change my outlook before I end up on meds! Who do I get to enjoy life with first? My two beautiful children, loving husband, the rest of my family, awesome supportive friends and a community constantly rallying for our family. Each day I get to create more memories with all these incredible people in my life. It was kind of a lightbulb moment when Adam said that. I’m still not sure how to control this fear. I’m not sure how to focus on life when there are so many terrible things in this world, disease, destruction, and hate. It’s really difficult not to focus on those things when you hear of someone’s unfortunate fate every.single.day. It’s hard to wake up and not succumb to the Debbie Downer mentality with all the negativity surrounding us. I know plenty of people who try to infect my life with negativity as it is. I can’t fuel the fire. I am alive and I want to celebrate life. With Easter here, how appropriate. Here’s to my boy Jesus!
Hope your Easter is wonderful and if you too are facing an empty plate at your table, I pray for peace in your heart.
Love, Mel.

iPhone recap of phms walk.

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Thanks everybody who came out and walked with us!  We had a great time holding up the rear of the walk! At one point I’m pretty sure the cop was 5ft from the soles of our shoes. HA! Big thanks to Purcell Marian for honoring Ali in this event, it’s wonderful to know she still holds a special place in you heart as well.

I guess we better get used to our family posing in front of these kind of signs…:*(

It sure was a tuturific event. Thanks for your continued support. Peace, Melanie.

Tutu Heroes.

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We decided to extend Ali’s legacy to more than just University hospital where she was treated.  Since I am all too familiar with Cincinnati Children’s Hospital, we figured why not let them play too! For those of you who don’t know, the girl standing in black in the image directly below is Rachel. She was previously one of my soccer players and is now practically my little sister. She’s 18 and just celebrated her ONE YEAR anniversary of being in remission from her stage 4b hodgekins lymphoma. (She’s amazing, but everyone already knows that!) Anywho, she was in and out of Children’s regularly for a good six months and Nori and I spent a lot of time visiting her during our “Tuesday’s with Rachel.” We thought it would be perfect to add some tutu love to the playroom up there and eventually give them to patients directly. So this weekend we focused on tutus for kids and then people made their own for Saturday’s walk at PMHS.

Then, of course, we had to try them on.I wanted to try ALL OF THEM on. (I’m actually like 5-6 shy here!)

Laura is developing superhero capes for the dudes in oncology units. I have a vision in my head of a photo I want to capture, I hope i can make it happen one day! She made a teeny one for Nico.He loved it! :) You’ll have to excuse the quality here. I was busy playing host/babytending/tutu making and I forgot to grab a shot of a completed tutu. D’oh. They are at Laura’s house, so I have some iPhone pics from her. We wanted the patients to know a bit about Ali so I wrote up this little ditty. “Ali believed you can never love too much, dress up too much, wear too much pink, or have too much fun! So dance, twirl & laugh in your tutu and don’t let yourself forget you are beautiful, inside AND out. We pray you win the fight! You got this, girl!!” Then Adam reworked the book label to make it say, “Leaving her legacy in tutus.”

Here is our first official Tutu Hero. Her name is Rachel, she’s gorgeous and from what I hear, she’s amazing and one hell of a fighter. She’s the perfect first recipient, and I’m so glad she let us share a picture of her rockin’ it out for Ali. Rachel was so moved and inspired by this gift, she wanted to help us craft for other patients! Um how sweet of her?! -Rachel, I know you wanted to hang out with us Saturday, and I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. I hope you are feeling better and know that you are ALWAYS welcome to join us in the future. I know you’re incredibly strong and I look forward to meeting you! Enjoy your tutu!

Thanks for stopping by! peace, Melanie.

our memories will last forever…*3*

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“Ali had a way to get me to do stupid things even when I didn’t want to. She loved when I interpreted dance to an 80’s song. In college she made me put on a show at a backyard party. Yes, seats were set up for everyone. Of course, she interpreted danced with me until she couldn’t stop laughing at my ridiculous moves. I never understood how she could get me to dance in the middle of the street or on a bar, but I now looking back on those moment I know I do it because I loved hearing her contagious laugh.”

“I really enjoyed taking walks with Ali and Hula. Every now and then a stranger would say, “Ummm excuse me ma’am, but i think you are dragging your dog behind you.” I’d be lying if i said this only happened a couple times! What can i say, we got in the groove and well, I guess Hula didn’t.”

“I would love to brag to Ali about the amazing deal I just got on my new pink coach purse. She’d be so jealous! I miss the silent competition between us that we never acknowledged…she was like my shopping team mate, always there to absolve me of any guilt from spending too much!”

“I’ll never forget the time Ali organized several PM teachers to perform the dance to “We’re All in This Together” from High School Musical at an assembly.  She had us watch the instructional video over and over until we got it just right.  She even adjusted some of the steps for those of us who were a little less coordinated.  Just as we were about to perform in from of the entire student body, the buses arrived and they started to dismiss 400 students.  That didn’t stop Ali.  She got us out there on the gym floor and had us do the entire routine…with students walking between us.  We did, however, get a standing ovation…from the 10 students who stayed behind to watch.”

“Out of Uniform days had a completely different meaning when Ali was around.  EVERYONE had to dress up on theme days.  She would walk around with props and hats to put on people who didn’t dress up.  And if you refused, she made you wear a sticker to let everyone know how lame you were!”

“Whenever i needed to talk to an adult who wasn’t related to me and would never talk down to me, I always went straight to the library. Ali never judged me, listened to my problems, and gave me advice only when I asked for it. And I always could count on her for a piece of candy to make me feel better!”

“If there ever was a baby to be soothed or put to sleep, Ali was the first to grab that baby and take it right to Sleepytown. Even if the baby was a stranger to her, she was always willing to hold it to help the mom.”

“One time I looked at Ali’s phone and saw 102 emails. I counted 89 from Zulily, Babies R Us, Totsy, the Gap, and eBay. That girl was the queen of finding deals on anything before buying it. She was also addicted to online shopping, I’m afraid.”

“Whenever I needed to dress up for a theme party, I knew exactly who to call. Ali has BINS of random costumes and clothes from all the decades with accessories and wigs to compliment.”

“Ali is the only person I know who could convince her husband to get His & Hers airbrushed t-shirts made on vacation….AND have him wear it!! I just love how Ben would do anything she asked him to do.”

 

PMHS walk.

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We are still in discussion about planning our own annual memorial walk for Ali some time in the summer, likely around her bday. That walk will raise money for books to donate so we can continue that goodness.  In the meantime, Purcell wanted to dedicate their walk to her! If you are interested in going, here is what you need to know on their flyer! There will be a bunch of us there rockin’ our pink tutus! Feel free to wear your own!

PRE-REGISTER HERE.

Hope to see you there! peace, mel.

i thought of you… *mel-2*

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…when my neighbor said, “i saw ali walking in your house the other day. how is she?” nope, that was definitely me you saw. but thanks for the compliment!

…one of my “mother of the bride” this year job shares with julie’s mom. as i got in my car i instantly wanted to call you and tell you about that. instead, i called you in my mind. when i told you, you replied, “oh really? that’s cool, what’s her name?” i could really hear you. so clear, wish it wasn’t just in my mind.

…when nori stood in front of me in the hallway laughing up a storm. when i asked what she was giggling at, she said, “ali’s staring at me! she’s up there!”

…watching the value city furniture commercial. those were our favorite to watch. I remember you posting a link to vcf commercial on my fb wall. Hilarious.

…as i for no reason thought, today was a good day to down a tub of cotton candy!

…when nico let out the loudest and longest poop/toot ever. (gross, right?) i thought about how you, ben and i would laugh until we were crying listening to my iphone app, “iFart.” remember when we took a bus to disney world with 40 some high school kids and we got bored so we played the farts over the microphone. hilarious.

…when we were filling out paperwork for the new “mother ship” (our minivan), the sales guy had to offer us life insurance with the extended warranty. (strange.) he said, “this is silly to even offer you because you’re so young, you don’t even need to worry about life insurance.” siiiigh. if he only knew.

…when nori got in the “mother ship” for the first time, she glanced forward and backward and said, “fancy fancy new car!” i wanted to be able to call you over the bluetooth and let her talk to you over the speaker. you would love this van. it’s so cool. you would have loved driving in it to hilton head this summer. ugh, i hate that you’ll be missing olivia’s first trip to the beach.

…not sure how this happened, but somehow nori has figured out which things are yours around my house. it’s kind of creeping me out really. a pair of your shoes, “those alis mommy!” your scarf thrown over my chair. “that’s ali’s scarf mommy!” your necklace resting over a picture of you on my dresser. “that’s ali’s pretty pink necklace!!” seriously, i’ve never told her these things are yours. how does she know?

…when ben showed up with olivia for the superbowl at britts, she was wearing overalls, and a tshirt. while she did look adorable, i know you have flipped. lol. he did put a flower in her hair, which helped. i imagined me looking at you as you trailed behind them walking in. i raised my eyebrows and gave you wide eyes. you replied, “yah, i know. i don’t even want to talk about it.”

…watching the news and the reporters questioning school closings. i chuckled to myself and remembered when you and olivia still celebrated snow days, even though you weren’t teaching anymore.

…when i was taking the kids on a walk i had this “holy cow, where did the time go??, moment.” seems like just yesterday me, you and adam went on a walk the morning we took a pregnancy test to find out i was pregs with nori. i remember i was bursting at the seems to tell you but i wanted to wait til the fam was all together that night. and there i was walking the same route we did that day with TWO kids, and only one sister.

this image was from our friend kevin’s wedding which adam and i were shooting. we were annoyed because the dance floor was empty, so i put down my camera and we had the dj turn up some michael jackson. i was 7mths pregs with nori at the time. :)

happy st patty’s day. peace, mel