Mom articulated way better than anyone else could:

Here we go again. Thrown into a day of memories that we still can’t believe ever happened but it did so we have to cope. I still relive every minute of your sickness and especially this day. Even tho the days and years are flying by, we all still struggle with this life without you. Standing at your gravesite is still surreal. Seeing your name on that headstone is awful. I still just struggle to think I’ll never hear your voice and laughter again or hold you in my arms. I jump at the chance to watch any video of you. It makes my heart sing just watching and hearing you, especially the ones with Olivia. We’re trying not dwell on all the sadness and focus on our blessings as best as we can.

So much has happened this last year but the best was the birth of the Mel and Adam’s twins. If you were here, you and Olivia would be with Mel everyday going crazy over them just like all of us are attempting. Olivia is mad that Nori gets two babies when she wants one for herself so bad, so she begs us to take her there as much as possible. She’s really cute with them. They are the happiest babies I’ve ever been around. They look so much alike that I’m sure they’re going to mess with us as they get older. Some of us can tell the difference now but Mel still paints Ezra’s toenails blue on one foot to make sure who’s who!!! Nori is the perfect big sister and helps a lot. I spend lots of time there not only to help Mel but to help myself. Their smiles can pull me out of a funk instantly. Sending them to us I’m sure was God’s way of helping all of us mentally and keeping the sadness at a distance. It truly helps but He knows you can’t take a baby from a mom and dad and ever expect them to get over it. It doesn’t get easier and you don’t get over it. A piece of my heart is missing. I depend on your signs to let me know you’re still right next to me and that is definitely what helps me deal everyday. I thank God for allowing all of these signs.

This time of year is when you would be decorating the whole house and loving dressing up for Halloween. All of the Thanksgiving and Christmas things would be right behind. Ben’s not into any of the decorating so Olivia loves coming to our house to see a whole house full of every holiday’s decor. She is showing signs of being more like you when it comes to that and doing crafts. She is definitely an artist. She can’t get enough of painting and is always drawing everyone pictures. Jaclyn still remains such a blessing being her nanny. She does everything you would be doing with her everyday. Olivia is a really good girl and so sweet. Ben continues to do a great job raising her. If my voice even cracks a little when I start to talk about you, Olivia and Nori run to me and throw their arms around me and lay their heads on my chest. They don’t speak, they just hold me. They are both so sensitive.

We’re truly blessed with all eight grand babies. Life gets very busy with all of the sports and dancing and school functions. Your sisters struggle without you and your loss has brought them even closer. When the guys join us and we’re all together, we have so much fun. Ben has brought Lesley and Kaizer into our lives now as he is moving on trying to bring some joy back into his life. How unreal is it that Mike had to join you above to bring them both together. It helps that we’ve known her and Mike since you met Ben and that we all liked her a lot. She fits right in with us. They are very happy and Olivia and Kaizer get along great so that helps a lot too. I know this makes you happy since you told me so many times how you wanted him to move on if anything happened to you. But still sad that He took Mike away from Lesley to allow this to happen.

It’s so weird how life moves on and it changes constantly. The famous saying that ‘time heals everything’ isn’t true tho. You will never be gone from any of our lives. Silently always there. I can’t imagine it any other way. We all love and miss you so much. As I’m typing this on your FB page, I can see the videos and pictures that you posted. I’m smiling as tears are streaming down my face. I’m sad but so blessed that God let us share all the years with our crazy, fun and happy Ali that did so much for this world in such a short period of time. How fortunate that every life you touched was able to benefit in your life. Your whole XU crowd got together on Sunday and celebrated you. It’s extremely hard on all of them after losing you and now having Lisa dealing with cancer too. Be next to her always, Ali, holding her tight. Also let each of the girls feel you next to them helping them cope. So horrible that all of them are so young and they’re having to deal with this all over again.

Your Rock Pink 4 Ali Fund is going strong and I will be mailing another check today to a library in your memory helping so many people. This one to your school’s library in Pawtucket where you taught. They will be so surprised to receive it. Books keep coming in and I’m trying to get them out to all of the local schools in need. More then half of them have been distributed. We’ve had books for all ages donated. What an awesome tribute to you. We are so proud that you have made such an impact on this world involving literacy.

So we all will struggle to make it through this day but we will make it. You are with us always and never ever to be forgotten. I’ll be with the kids today so that will help make the day more bearable. We all love you and will laugh as we can’t think about you without remembering all the fun and goofy things that you made each of us do. Your crazy personality was contagious and that’s what we will try to focus on today. Looking forward to hearing about all the signs everyone receives today too. Never leave our sides, Ali Burger. Your bud, Bro Bob became Fr. Bob last month and he just messaged us that he is saying a mass in your honor. Awesome, huh?!!! Love you sweetie.💖mom

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How about some Halloween fun to bring some smiles back on our faces. 🙂

And to show we are still trucking on as a family sticking together, here’s some from this yr.

I guess I should share what already happened to me first thing this morning! My life long friend, Heather, is a teacher. The last 4 yrs she has discussed my sister to her 3rd grade class and how they should strive to be a stand up individual like Ali and leave such an everlasting impact on the world. Then the students draw and write pink letters about Ali to our family. Heather sweetly delivers them to me each yr and last night she gave them to me in a pink gift bag. I set it in the center of my island just before bed after reading through them again with Nori. I woke up really early today to work and as I sneaked downstairs to grab my computer, I walked through the kitchen. A step or two before I was parallel with the pink bag, it fell over on its side, then onto the floor directly in my path. I literally exclaimed, “You gotta be kidding me?! Good morning, Ali, so glad you loved the letters too!!” Sigh, she truly is always right there. So amazing.

Thanks to everyone for your continued support over the years. We appreciate it more than you know. We love hearing her name and talking about her as much as possible. <3

Miss and love you Ali!

Ali,
First let me start by saying what an amazing family you and Ben have. They have welcomed me with open arms and treated me like family from day one. I love getting to spend time with them because I enjoy hearing stories about you since I never had the opportunity to meet you in person. I’ll never forget how this job came together for me. I had been searching for over a year for a Nanny job because kids are truly my passion. By that point I had been a blog follower for sometime, but didn’t “know” any of your family. So it was a surprise when I reached out to Melanie and she mentioned Ben needing a nanny. I think I read her fb message 20 times before I could actually process what it said. Ben needed a nanny? I couldn’t believe that the family I’d been reading and supporting from afar could possibly need ME for a nanny. Long story short, Ben and I connected and sorted through all the details and I still remember his phone call telling me “I’d love to hire you and have you as our Nanny!” I was elated and overcome with gratitude for God providing such an amazing opportunity for me. It is TRULY a blessing that I got connected to your family. So funny how God works. Thank you for looking out for us all and helping to guide Ben in his decision.
Your daughter is absolutely beautiful (Not that it’s a surprise because YOU are so gorgeous) but a lot of your family says she looks more like Ben. She definitely has your eyes. Every time I look at her I feel like it’s you staring back at me. I love that though. I hope it comforts your family and Ben and they always know you’re close by when she looks at them. I know how important it is that Olivia spend time with her family and cousins. We see Nori and Nico often and she is crazy about those twin babies. She’s always wanting a baby in her lap but hasn’t quite grasped how to hold them just yet. Oh- and thank you for keeping those twin babies safe. When Olivia heard of them going into the NICU because they were sick she told me several times that she knew you would keep them safe.

I hope you are happy with the way I am caring for her. So many times I wonder what you would do in a certain situation. How would you dress her? Do her hair? I still remember the first time I helped Ben pack her bag for Disney. I was so nervous. I think I got every outfit she had in her closet and laid it on the bed. I matched bows and shoes and still panicked that it wasn’t good enough. Dressing your little girl is a lot of pressure. I remember reading about how much you loved dressing up on a daily basis and how you wanted to be able to do that with Olivia, so I had to get it right!  We are working on a chore chart right now. She’s getting really good at it but sometimes she will look at me and say “I don’t feel like doing chores today, Soooo I’m not going to” I’m always wondering who’s personality is coming out… You? Ben? Where does she get her silly humor? We take at least a weekly trip to target (it feels like daily) and she talks me into buying her something every time. I’ve been learning to say no to her because I know she can’t have everything, but it’s so hard. I know if you were here these are things you would be doing with her and I want her to still have that. It’s frustrating for me when I take her to the Disney store. When we are there I think of how much you would love to take her in that store, it’s such a mother/daughter store. I hope it makes you happy that we listen to KLOVE in the car every time we go somewhere. I love looking in the rearview mirror and watch her sing along to songs about God’s love for us.

One of the things that has been the most challenging for me is the guilt I feel on a daily basis. I think of all the things I’m doing with her that YOU should be. Like potty training, working on manners, working on letters, numbers, shapes, reading books at the library, fixing her hair, and getting her all ready for her first dance class. Last year we joined Mel’s homeschool group once a week and it was such good exposure to get Olivia ready for preschool, but something you would’ve loved to be part of. The moment that got to me the most was her first little field trip at preschool.  All the moms were there snapping pictures of their kids walking through the fire station. Of course I tried to make it as “normal” (whatever that means) as possible for Olivia, but my heart was literally breaking for her. Guilt is definitely a daily battle for me. I manage and push through it though, because this job is such a blessing to me and I know God and you brought all of this together. I absolutely LOVE my job and I don’t want to waste this beautiful time that has been given to me by constantly feeling bad. (I even feel guilty writing that sentence, see? Gah)

I hope you’re proud and honored that we talk about you so often. Did you feel loved when we came to visit your place of rest with our 3 pink balloons? I decked her out in as much pink as I could find since that was your favorite color. Thanks for all those silly pics of you dressings up, Olivia sees them and thinks their hilarious. Pictures are all around the house. Olivia loves looking at them and sometimes even makes up stories about something “you and daddy” did. Even though we never met, I feel like I knew you because of your family and Mel’s blog. I can promise you that not one day goes by when you are not talked about. I have all kinds of pictures and videos from your family that Olivia looks at daily. I love her so much and I promise for as long as I get to spend my days with her, we will always talk about you. The past several months have been a wave of emotions for her. As she gets older I see it becoming more of a struggle for her that you are not here. She hits me with questions that take my breath away especially when she remembers a memory of you that makes her cry because “you are in heaven” now. But, we are thankful for every feather you send from above to let her know she is wrapped in your love. You already know this, but we pray every single day at nap time for you to visit her in her dreams. She has told me a few times that she plays with you. I hope so dearly that you do. I hope she is filled with peace and love when she closes her eyes and you are there playing with her. She loves you so much Ali.

I look forward to many more days of silly dancing with your sweet girl and I hope that your spirit is dancing with us.

Love,
Jaclyn Kennedy