…We have “pasta Tuesday” every single Tuesday. I’m at Yoga and Adam’s skills in the kitchen include boiling water and forgetting to turn off the oven. But he’s really good at spaghetti with red sauce. Whenever I clean the pots and dishes, I have to smile. You taught us that it’s NOT ok to pour your spaghetti sauce straight out of the jar, onto your pasta. You heat it up in it’s own pot. “Those small pots are called sauce pans for a reason.” You also used as many dishes and utensils as possible when cooking and presenting a meal. I obvi like to do as little work as possible after cooking. You liked to get a bowl out for each ingredient to set on the table, which pissed me off since I was always on clean up committee when you cooked. While I still don’t agree with using every item in our cabinet, I will at least enjoy some warmed sauce on my pasta, and think of you.

…Going through Olivia’s clothes helping get her stuff together for her second year photos was frustrating. Ben had gone shopping, but I wanted to pick out what I know you would have wanted her to wear. I just wasn’t sure if you’d think it was perfect enough or not. You loved playing dress up with her. In fact, I think part of you wanted to have babies just so you could play dress up. Even for her one year pics, you were in the hospital so I had to do it then as well. I suppose I might be helping do it for the rest of her adolescence? This year wasn’t as bad because there was still a bunch of outfits left that you bought her. During your depressed times, you bought a bunch of clothes for future years because you were certain you wouldn’t be around to shop for her when she was in 2T, 3T, etc. While I was pissed your were shopping that far out at the time, I am happy you did it for this very reason.

…It’s not often I hear the song, “Ignition” by R. Kelly, but when I do, what a huge smile on my face. Remember being in Snowshoe with your students and Cory and Austin singing AND dancing to it? OMG. Right after the “how many cheeseballs can you stuff in your mouth” contest. That was such a fun trip. I can so easily hear you laughing at those kids. I’m sure they miss you just as much as anyone.

…Whenever I see someone wearing your pink bracelet still, almost a year out, I realize how much you really moved people. It really makes me happy inside to see the bracelets floating around. I still have people asking if we have any left because they want to continue to think of you daily. Mine has fallen off various times. Each time I think it’s you saying it’s ok to not wear it anymore. To let go a little. But then I always find it. Sometimes in the most random places and I can’t for the life of me figure out how it got there.

…My SIL’s mom was throwing out a wreath over the weekend. I saw it in the trash and for some unknown reason, I decided I should recycle it. I don’t have time for DIY crap. But this (you) wreath spoke to me. “Don’t let that go to waste. Little spray paint. Little embellishment. Perfection.” I wanted it to be teal but no such luck. So pink it is. Of course. You’d be proud that i’m takin the time to get all crafty up in here.

…I had to go to your house to dig out some costume stuff for Britt. While I was there, I grabbed some clothes and jackets for us. (Which btw, Britt found a bloody used tissue in one. SICK. But so not surprised.) I have checked your closet so many times over the past year for this blue shirt that I borrowed a couple years ago. You said you loved it on me and so I desperately wanted to have it. It was not there and suddenly it appeared a couple days ago. Just in time for me to wear it for my family pictures. Thanks for letting me find it! It matched my new skirt perfectly!

…Of course I’m making our Halloween costumes this year. Nori’s costume is a tribute to you. I can just see your eyes lighting up, hands near your heart with quick little claps, all giddy with excitement. The best part is that she talked about you as she was trying it on because she thought of you as well.

’tis the season.

…A client gave me a bunch of Japanese candy for my birthday. A few packs were SOUR cotton candy infused with pop rocks. UM WHAT? It was delicious, duh. All I could think about was how much you would have loved it. The pack I had was sour apple which was your favorite. Against everyone’s wishes you continued to hide candy in your nightstand each hospital stay. Ok, maybe you gave up on the hiding thing after awhile. One time I was almost to the hospital and you called insisting I detour to some place that sold blow pops and Haribo gummibears. The sour apple blow pops were always the first to go. Then of course you’d chew the gum like a damn horse and that made me crazy. Sometimes you would steal my suckers because “I just need one lick, real quick.” I always fell for it, even though I knew I would never get my sucker back.

…Recently we had to reconstruct mom and dad’s pond. I know you like to communicate with her via deers, but If i find out you sent those deer through her pond as a sign, then so help me! With the help of all of us and a LOT of hours, the thing is finally balanced, with pretty waterfalls AND stable. Did we enjoy any bit of doing it? Nope. Mom kept saying how you were the only one who loved doing yardwork with her. Flowers and plants were your thing, not mine and Britts. (I still have leaves from last fall in my yard!) We will continue to help them keep their yard pretty, just channel some of your green thumb into me so it’s not so painful. Pleeeease.

…I’ve recently photographed a couple of your friends. Both sessions went really well and I so wanted to hop in my car to call you and tell you all about the cuteness I just captured. This week I had an especially hard time because it was a baby girl who I know you’d refuse to put down if you were in her presence. On my way home, you clearly saw I was having an emotionally rough drive. I know you had that van cut me off to snap me out of it. The large “Purcell Marian Cavaliers” bumper sticker told me so. Thank you for your little reminders. They never go unnoticed.

…Speaking of your friends. Multiple have had babies, others are currently pregnant, and one recently engaged. Everyone of them knows you had your hand in each of these things. It’s sad to me that you won’t be throwing wonderful showers with cutesy details but it makes me happy that you are so clearly still involved in their lives. Maybe it’s not with nursery ideas or wedding details, but experiences you are sharing with them in a different way. I know you are celebrating for them up there.

…The phrase, “come on Ali, help a sister out,” is the most overused phrase of my inner voice. By the 4-5th time I’m in the kids room each night, I finally beg for your help to keep them asleep for me. Some nights you pull through, other nights I know you are teaching me patience. Teaching me I need to enjoy those hours awake through the night because they won’t always be little. They won’t always need me like this. But seriously, can you give me at least 4 hr stretches once in awhile. I’m freaking tired.

Ali and Martha stealing babies. I wish more than anything you could have taken this picture of you two holding your own babies together.

…Each time I drop my phone, which is like 8 times a day, I laugh and think about all the cellphones you destroyed. You had a special skill in breaking those things.

…At Olivia’s second bday party it was hard to avoid the elephant in the room. Instead of feeling the void, it was easier to embrace the angel in the room. Olivia sat in the same seat at mom’s as you did together, when she helped you blow out your 31 candles last year.

…Recently we may or may not have left Lilo outside our house while we were on our way to the airport. Reminded me of the it happened so much I couldn’t begin to guess a number of how many times you left Hula outside. Sometimes your were still home and forgot you let her out to potty (unleashed), sometimes you were pulling away and the owner of the house you were at was chasing your car waving their hands yelling, “wait! you left Hula!!” Sometimes it was even in the snow and 10 min after you had left, I’d hear scratching at my door. “Ohhhh Ali forgot to put Hula in her car. Again. SIGH.” You unintentionally did it everywhere but mom’s. You most definitely did it on purpose there because you didn’t feel like taking care of her for a few days.

…You and I have this (slightly disgusting) habit of leaving half used tissues laying everywhere. As I just blew my nose once and left the tissue with 3/4 of it still usable sitting on my desk, I smiled and thought, “wow that’s so gross of me.” But why should I waste the rest of the tissue when I will need it again within the hr, or maybe tomorrow? There were even still half used tissues waiting on your nightstand for you to come home from the hospital.

…I bought a pair of teal skinny jeans. I needed to call you to get your opinion. I couldn’t decide if you would think I’m too old for them or I needed to be more hip so I just assumed you would tell me to get them. Remember those furry lined clogs I used to wear in the winter? Whenever you would see me out in them you’d say, “HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STOP WEARING YOUR HOUSE SHOES IN PUBLIC??” You even tried to hide them once at my house.

…I was talking about Sam’s Club the other day with friends and all I could think about was the many hilarious trips we took together. We’d go after church and fill ourselves up on samples. And God help us, if there ever was a live infomercial salesman, we had to stand and watch. And how often did we HAVE to buy it. By that I mean, you’d convince me I had to buy it so you could use it at my house. One trip we came home with 6 new knives, 2 veggie choppers and two mini juicers. Ben and Adam told us we weren’t allowed to go alone any more. Oops!

…Over the weekend I was cutting the grass in a slight hurry. Remember when we used to push the mower so fast we were almost jogging? We considered it a workout and if my neighbors were lucky, one of us would just keep going yard to yard. And isn’t it so cute how Nori follows along with her mower now? She is so proud to be helping.

…Every time I go to the zoo I think about the times we went there together. This pic below was from when Nichole was in town to see you. We made plans to go to the zoo with all of our kids and on the way there you got sick. We had already been there waiting so you insisted on still coming. I’m very thankful you did. I have some cute videos of you and Nori as well as precious pics like this one. She wanted to sit on your lap the whole time but it was hot and too much. So she just had to hold your hand. That was well over a year ago now, I can’t even believe it.

…Nori has become slightly addicted to “flavor pops”.  It seems as though the only way to stop the battle to eat her dinner every night is to bribe her with a popsicle. Actually, now she tells us, “I will eat 5 more bites, and then I will have a popsicle. Ok?” Once I taught her the correct way to eat them, she enjoys it much more. Remember when we used to use that little silver hammer our folks have to smash the popsicle? The handles to the scissors work too. We wanted it to taste like a slushie, so we would beat the crap out of it before opening and tada!

…I was greeted at the entrance of a client’s wedding reception with a frame that stated they made a donation to your Rock Pink account instead of having favors. I had no idea they were doing it. As I read it, I stood there and cried. Then the bride’s father came up to say how honored he was to do that, then he started crying too. Unexpected.

…On your bday all I ate was sugar. Britt and I discussed how interesting it is that you either ate a pile a sugar for a meal OR a pile of veggies. One extreme or the other. Strange.

…With all the pink I have in my wardrobe, I can’t seem to wear anything pink anymore without Nori asking, “you rockin’ pink for Ali?” Somehow you have taken ownership to the color pink even though I’ve always worn it as much as you. You just prefer baby pink to my hot pink/fuscia.

…I keep twizzlers on my desk and while I work I munch. Some days I just want to bite off the ends and drink mountain dew through it like a straw. I can’t remember if Britt or Dad taught us that, but regardless it’s delicious.

…Every time I drop off Rachel at her XU dorm I think of you as a young college freshman living in the same building as her. She’s got multiple people in her hall wearing tutus now, you know. They even wore them to the Red’s game and scored a spot on the Jumbotron!

…The watermark perfect smiley face you left on Adam’s computer couldn’t have been more obvious evidence to us that you are always right here. (Especially since we don’t put glasses on our computers!!) He left the whole circle and face there for a couple months and it saddens me to see it’s disappearing.

While Ali lived with us she was notorious for leaving behind crumbs…everywhere, especially on our computers. Finger prints, smudges, you name it, you didn’t need CSI to prove she was on your computer. I love that fb allows her profile to stay active. I can just pull up her profile when I need a little encouragement to smile instead of be sad. I can hear her so clearly yelling at Adam. (Click the image to make it bigger if you can’t read it.)

…browsing through a cincy saver mag during breakfast I came across a 2 page spread for medical equipment. (scooters, lazyboys that eject you, wheelchairs, hospital beds etc) I laughed and thought of the number of times you and your friends would see an infomercial on TV and call the number. You’d ask for brochures and promo videos to be sent to mom. Funny cause back then, she was in much better shape than now! I bet she’d love to have one of those electronic chairs to take her upstairs!

…turning on the ac unit upstairs for the first time the other day. It’s now my office/playroom but it used to be your living space. It gets hot as Hades up there and you hated it. I remember installing the fan above your bed to help circulate the air up there. You watched me zap myself and recommended me calling Tom, “my rent-a-husband” (Adam isn’t into doing those kinds of things) because you were certain I was going to electrocute myself to death.

…I know you know Kelly and I were talked about on the front page of the NY Times last Sunday. I have a funny suspicion you had something to do with them finding us out of all the potential other birth photogs to interview. We got to see the newspaper in print at the library the next day and it was pretty awesome. You should have been at the library in flesh, but I’m sure you were still over my shoulder reading along.

…a bunch of us signed up for the colorMeRad (click the link, you’ll see why i just HAD to sign up!!) race next month. I’ve walked all kinds of 5k’s but never run. (More than to catch up with a diff group of friends 100 yds in front of me, that is. Ha!) After I signed up I realized that I might have a coronary if I try and run. I hate running distance and was always a sprinter. The next day I saw Adam’s hot pink running shorts and was a lil bit inspired. Had a touching moment when it suddenly made sense to me why all these people are running for you. So I went out and ran just under two miles. Boom. When I couldn’t breathe, I recalled your gasping breaths in the ICU. When my muscles were burning I remembered massaging your legs and seeing all your muscle had disappeared and you had become just skin and bones, I have muscle, I need to use it. When running up the hills I heard you shouting in my ear. “DO IT. JUST KEEP RUNNING. YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU JUST SQUIRTED OUT A BABY WITH NO MEDS. SUCK IT THE HELL UP.”

…Adam took me to Columbus to see the Cirque Du Soleil, Michael Jackson Immortal Tour for my mother’s day gift. What a surprise, we sat just next to our original seats for NKOTB last year. I knew going into it I would have many emotional moments. It was the hardest walking in, standing where we talked to guest relations to get your wheelchair. Walking through the curtain to see the excitement in the crowd on the other side. I wanted to record the whole thing so I could show you when we got home. (Seems as though no one cares about MJ like us. Lametown.) Also, there was this douche that sat next to us smelling like JD and cigarettes. His GF made him go to the show and he kept making fun of MJ the whole time. Don’t worry I defended Michael, but it would have been nice to have your support in yelling at him.

…we were given rose bushes as a memorial of you. Most of mine were coming up white and light yellow. Since I suck, they are now dying but the craziest thing is happening…they are all gaining pink spots! Apparently it’s normal, but it shocked me the first time I looked down to see a 3/4 pink polka dotted rose!

…I hope you had a wonderful time with Hope and Grace on Saturday. Though I’m sure earthly birthday’s don’t mean squat up there, they still do to us down here. I assured Luci her girls were looked after by Auntie and I know it gave her a little peace.

…Ben just posted a pic of Olivia eating cotton candy on FB. He captioned that it was her first tasted of pink cotton candy. Oops. I guess he didn’t know that you had given it to her a number of times? Once in the car, her and Nori both got some. Neither of them enjoyed it, so you handed them more and said, “NO! You WILL enjoy this cotton candy. It’s part of the food pyramid. It’s right next to Breakfast Nerds.”

…Nori loves to chat on her various toy phones. She says she’s talking to you all the time but this time she said something different and I was quite surprised. “Aunt Ali is on the phone. Want to say hi, Nico? Nico says hi.” Me, “What does Ali have to say?” Nori, “We can go to the beach Ali! (pauses, puts down the phone) Ali’s up in Heaven, Ali can’t hear me.” Me, “Sure she can always hear you!” She responded by raising and lowering her eyebrows at me. (her fav thing to do.) Next time you have a visit with her, remind her that she can always talk to you. I don’t want her to ever stop calling her Aunt Ali on the phone.

  Auntie Ali and Nori (8 ish mths) on vaca.

-Whenever I see the splatter of pink nail polish upstairs on my bathroom floor, I think of the night I was running late to a friend’s wedding and you insisted I paint my toes. I said I didn’t have time so you did it for me while I fixed my hair. Somehow the bottle fell off the counter, splashed on my dress, stained it and the tile. D’oh.

-Summer time and shaved ice. Years ago you introduced me to blending the flavors lemon-lime and blue rasberry. YUM. When we went to Adam’s dad’s to swim, we had to stop on the pike to get shaved ice. More than one time at your house while you were sick I was eating one and you “just wanted one bite.” Once bite turned into you eating 3/4 of it.

-Whenever I look at the dirt in my flower beds, I realize we haven’t mulched since you moved out. I really appreciated all that wedding, planting and mulching you did. I didn’t however enjoy how you’d take my debit card and spend all my money “accessorizing my yard.”

-It seems as though my job revolves around people’s life changing moments. Doesn’t matter the occassion, now all I can do is see you. Every wedding, I see you walking down the aisle. (The first wedding at De Sales since Nov. 3, I really struggled.) Every bridesmaid toasts about sisters, I tear up behind my camera. Every birth I see you laboring with Ben, anxious to meet your baby girl. Every family/newborn session I remember your sessions with Olivia. I think of how you were in the ER while Adam and I took Olivia’s one year pics. It’s just so hard to get you off my mind while I shoot.

-I think of you when Nori wears Olivia’s size 6mth skirts. I want to send you the pic and say, “hand-me-UPs?

-I think of you when I eat Thai Taste because that was our favorite take out. One of the nights I stayed in the hospital with you, you requested it. I brought it up, only to find you finishing throwing up from the chemo. You didn’t want it after that and I ended up throwing it out.

-If I listed the thousand times I thought of you while our families were in Hilton Head, this blog would be a mile long. I just don’t have the energy to blog about those times. When we booked that trip it was something for you to look forward to, to get better for. hmphhh.

-Every time I eat sherbet, I think of the time I had to hide in Britt’s kitchen and eat a cone to fulfill my pregnancy craving because you weren’t allowed to eat sweets and I didn’t want to torture you. But you walked in and saw me eating it, I felt terrible, you were mad because you were fighting so hard to resist sugar and I couldn’t just avoid it when I was with you. I felt so greedy and selfish.

-My neighbor was telling me about his father’s recent passing. He told me how he developed cancer, was treated at UC, was doing so well and out of no where developed double pneumonia. He said he was in the ICU for a couple days and then…that was it. When he looked up to see tears pouring down my face, he was shocked and felt terrible as if he’d said something wrong to offend me. He didn’t know. All I could get out was, “Yes, I know EXACTLY what you are going through. Everything. Exactly.”

-Tutus are more prevalent in my life now, that they’ve ever been. Besides the ones I own, I have others laying around for sick kids and runners. Tutus were always for fun and dress up. Now they represent you to SO many people.

This is Ella sporting her first tutu from Aunt Ali.peace, Mel

…As I sat in the living rm typing a blog about you at 1am, one of the toys in the toy chest say, “peek-a-boo, i SEE you!” I chuckled that it was you enjoying what I was writing. Then I heard the angel wind chime outside I received as a gift that was to remind me of your presence. My heart skipped a beat, not gonna lie. Slightly creeped out.

…I was clipping mine and Nori’s fingernails and I noticed she has your skinny nail shape. Your hands/nails were different from the other 4 of us. I was always jealous because you had pretty hands. I remember your ring finger nails had a funny wave where the nail grew off the nailbed. Maybe your hands were always more pretty because they rarely saw hard manual labor? You had no issues getting down and dirty doing service work, but around the house you…”delegated”. 🙂

…Whenever we go to smoothie king it’s hardly enjoyable for me anymore. All of us always get “pineapple surf” and if one of us wasn’t there to enjoy it, we’d for sure text an image of us enjoying it to rub it in their face. Adam even posted a pic on fb the other day saying, “This one is for you, Ali!”

…Adam was googling images last night. I started laughing because he’s terrified of what he might find. I laughed at him because when you lived here, we used to “google image” things on a daily basis. Anytime we or someone didn’t know what something was, it was almost a race for us to yell, “GOOGLE IT!!”  Remember that one time we watched video after video after watching the TLC show about rare birth defects. We were glued to my mac for like 3 hours. The videos were incredibly sad but it was like a train wreck, we couldn’t stop watching them!!

…Gina asked permission to print some images of you bald to share with her other female patients who were losing their hair. A patient said you looked so strong and proud.

…Mom delivered the books to the different libraries in your name. We handed Ms. Kathy and Ms. Catie theirs after story time. They kept saying “how beautiful and pretty” they all were stacked on the counter. I chuckled inside because only a librarian would say such thing, like a little kid in a candy store.

…I was working in bed and did something you used to do and it DROVE ME BONKERS. I ate a snack. I HATE when my bed has crumbs in it, but I was in a hotel, so I only had to deal with it for a day. I remember one time Ben was gone and you came home drunk. You made me cuddle you and twirl your hair. When I thought you were asleep I came back downstairs, only to have you barge in our room 30 minutes later. AND you had a handful of pretzels that were falling all over my bed as you jumped in and demanded to have a late night chat. I made you change my sheets the next day. 🙂

…I had to drive Adam’s car the other day and was unexpectedly hit in the face with your pic. I was unaware he kept your prayer card on his visor, very sweet of him. One of those moments I was feeling so “normal,” and thennnn I wasn’t.

…Every time I have a caeser salad toGo from Panera I think of your very first chemo treatment. I bought lunch for you, me and Ben and that was the first time I’d ever ordered a caeser from there. I vividly remember sitting in the wooden chair next to your recliner inside the curtained area. It was so surreal, because everyone around you was so old and sick and I refused to put you in the category of “sick.” I just remember being so anxious to get out of there. I kept my head down and focused on my salad and tried to ignore everything that was going on around me.

…Whenever I hear Olivia say a new word, I imagine you grinning ear to ear, feeling so proud. I just love hearing her say all of our names now. Nnnnnnnoriii is my favorite though, because she can finally communicate with her little BFF. DOUBLE TROUBLE, they are!

…All the jeans and some tops I have been wearing have been yours because they are the perfect “in between” for me. I stopped replying, “they’re Ali’s” whenever people complimented me on something because, I guess, I’ve inherited them. It’s a strange feeling knowing that I don’t need to bring them back if I don’t want to.

If I remember correctly, this image was one of the first times Brittany left baby Ella in our care. So we pretended to be asleep when she got home. Because we are funny like that.

Peace, Mel.

…when my neighbor said, “i saw ali walking in your house the other day. how is she?” nope, that was definitely me you saw. but thanks for the compliment!

…one of my “mother of the bride” this year job shares with julie’s mom. as i got in my car i instantly wanted to call you and tell you about that. instead, i called you in my mind. when i told you, you replied, “oh really? that’s cool, what’s her name?” i could really hear you. so clear, wish it wasn’t just in my mind.

…when nori stood in front of me in the hallway laughing up a storm. when i asked what she was giggling at, she said, “ali’s staring at me! she’s up there!”

…watching the value city furniture commercial. those were our favorite to watch. I remember you posting a link to vcf commercial on my fb wall. Hilarious.

…as i for no reason thought, today was a good day to down a tub of cotton candy!

…when nico let out the loudest and longest poop/toot ever. (gross, right?) i thought about how you, ben and i would laugh until we were crying listening to my iphone app, “iFart.” remember when we took a bus to disney world with 40 some high school kids and we got bored so we played the farts over the microphone. hilarious.

…when we were filling out paperwork for the new “mother ship” (our minivan), the sales guy had to offer us life insurance with the extended warranty. (strange.) he said, “this is silly to even offer you because you’re so young, you don’t even need to worry about life insurance.” siiiigh. if he only knew.

…when nori got in the “mother ship” for the first time, she glanced forward and backward and said, “fancy fancy new car!” i wanted to be able to call you over the bluetooth and let her talk to you over the speaker. you would love this van. it’s so cool. you would have loved driving in it to hilton head this summer. ugh, i hate that you’ll be missing olivia’s first trip to the beach.

…not sure how this happened, but somehow nori has figured out which things are yours around my house. it’s kind of creeping me out really. a pair of your shoes, “those alis mommy!” your scarf thrown over my chair. “that’s ali’s scarf mommy!” your necklace resting over a picture of you on my dresser. “that’s ali’s pretty pink necklace!!” seriously, i’ve never told her these things are yours. how does she know?

…when ben showed up with olivia for the superbowl at britts, she was wearing overalls, and a tshirt. while she did look adorable, i know you have flipped. lol. he did put a flower in her hair, which helped. i imagined me looking at you as you trailed behind them walking in. i raised my eyebrows and gave you wide eyes. you replied, “yah, i know. i don’t even want to talk about it.”

…watching the news and the reporters questioning school closings. i chuckled to myself and remembered when you and olivia still celebrated snow days, even though you weren’t teaching anymore.

…when i was taking the kids on a walk i had this “holy cow, where did the time go??, moment.” seems like just yesterday me, you and adam went on a walk the morning we took a pregnancy test to find out i was pregs with nori. i remember i was bursting at the seems to tell you but i wanted to wait til the fam was all together that night. and there i was walking the same route we did that day with TWO kids, and only one sister.

this image was from our friend kevin’s wedding which adam and i were shooting. we were annoyed because the dance floor was empty, so i put down my camera and we had the dj turn up some michael jackson. i was 7mths pregs with nori at the time. 🙂

happy st patty’s day. peace, mel