Dear Ali,

It can’t possibly be a year since we celebrated your 31st bday. Since I watched you struggle to blow out your candles. How has so much happened in such a short time? How has time escaped us so quickly? It hurts. It hurts really bad. I was searching for the bday post I did for you and Ella last year and I had already forgotten all that happened on this day last year. I had forgotten you were just declared terminal. I had forgotten about the pressure to get into the drug trial and all our empty hope. I forgot you spent the day in the hospital and then transported to Columbus. I reread the post and I can still feel it inside how anxious we were. As I sit here, I feel that exact anxiety I felt for 8 months. The fear we could lose you and that every minute I spent with you could be my last. I even just told myself to shake it off and if I keep writing you are going to get better, than dammit, you will. But wait, IT already happened. 8 MONTHS AGO! I remember wondering if I was fooling myself. I remember going to our folks house with such a heavy heart because in the back of all of our minds, we knew this could actually be your last birthday. I know we were all thinking it, we just refused to believe it. But honestly, in my mind I knew it was a greater possibility than not. I hated myself for thinking that.

You always had a birthday week, not just a birthDAY. You liked to celebrate and you would find a way to do something and/or receive something special each day. FOR A WEEK. It’s funny cause only you could get away with such thing. How did you have such talent? People on fb are celebrating this whole week with you by wearing pink. Actually, a lot like they did last year. People are posting images of themselves on the Run and Rock Pink for Ali page to show their love. It’s so amazing to me, this pink community of support you have here. People ARE STILL GIVING YOU A BIRTHDAY WEEK and bdays don’t even matter to you anymore! That.is.talent. You are still so loved.

For your bday, we are starting the day off with mass being said for you at OLV. I cringe to think about hearing your name again during the intentions. And tonight, our immediate family will be toasting you at your favorite restaurant. It’s getting harder to trick myself into believing you are just at home sick, or out of town. Tonight, it’s going to be thrown in our face. Celebrating YOUR birthday, without you. Puke. Part of me wants to stay home curled up in a ball. The rest of me feels like you’d be pissed I wasn’t eating lettuce wraps in your honor. It’s like a constant battle you are fighting with us in our minds. Stop crying over me and celebrate! We will try.

I can’t imagine what this week has been like up there. You probably have Jesus wearing a pink tutu right now. Seems like something you’d be able to accomplish. I know birthdays likely don’t exist in heaven, but I’m sure this one is the best you’ve ever had. Nothing here could even compare to the party you are having up there. Just please be with us today, as we have our small party for you here. Cause this day still matters to us, and it always will til we can celebrate with you again. Be with mom and dad as they replay your life from your first breath to your last, over and over again. It is certainly not easy to be in any of our shoes today, but theirs especially. And while Ben is saving the most money he’s ever saved during this week, be with him too. Even though he used to shake his head in slight disapproval over your bday week, I know he’d give anything to celebrate again, with you.

If I could make your birthday wish for you this year, it would be that you allow us to feel more peace than sadness today. Please make yourself known. I’m not just asking for one of your pretty pink sunsets or your rainbows, make it more special to us. Thank you. 🙂

Happy 32nd birthday, sister. I/we love you so much.

Love, Smelli.

(always the life of the party.)