…when i looked down at my chipped toenail polish in the shower. it’s been there for months and I haven’t felt like dealing with it. I can hear u yelling at me, calling me a hillbilly.
..when I watch nori read her fancy nancy book from Olivia’s party. I can see you snuggle with her on the couch and hear you read to her using silly voices.
…I received your mail from massage envy.  i smiled because i like seeing your name once in awhile in my stack of junkmail. Ben is taking over your once a mth treatment. 🙂 i’m pretty sure he understands now why you went.
…when nori insisted on watching the video on my phone from yours and Ella’s bday party for the 10th time. It hits me way different now when I hear you say just before you blow out your candles, “I don’t even know if I’ll be able to blow out my candles this yr.” at that point you still had full usage of a lung and a half and we thought that was terrible. Little did we know what was to come.
…when I passed a silver corolla and wished it was you.
…this morning when I dressed nico like a little Adam. It actually is pretty fun to dress a boy when you find the right clothes. I wish you were here to shop with me.
…when i watched House during lunch. I wondered if there was a better dr out there that could have fixed you.
…when I gorged myself with the cookie dough I froze from the holiday cookies we were supposed to make together.
…when I saw adorable clothes and accessories for nori at the store. When we shop, nori still holds the clothes on the hanger up to her chest, calls me, and smiles like u taught her. Except now she yells, “mommy, look at me! I like it!” I wish you could hear her sweet voice and laugh at all the hilarious things she says, with me.
…I was looking at minivans online. I know how much you looked forward to being the SAHM with a minivan. It’s like the final step in becoming an official mommy and I wish you could laugh at me when you see how ridiculous I’ll look driving that thing one day.
…when I got a text from your student wishing you were still there to help them through their hard times because their parents can’t relate to them like you could. Speaking of students. I heard how you saved the life of one of your favorite girls as you allowed her to survive being t-boned on the highway by a semi, while NOT wearing a seat belt. Her mom told her when she got home that you told her, “I got her” when the accident happened. I hope you always protect us like that.
…whenever I’m in my room I see the angel with pink wings my friend carol gave me sitting above my bed. i noticed she’s changed positions, was that you?
…when I saw last night’s sunset and it was a beautiful pink.
…when i went down to the basement and walk past piles of your shit that you never felt like dealing with when you moved out. So lucky me, I guess I just inherited it. 😉
…when I fantasized about redesigning my upstairs to a play room. You would have had the best ideas and probably would have just done it all for me since I don’t have the time
…when I took lilo outside realized it’s the end of january and your plan was to make Olivia a big sis this winter. 🙁
…when we went to the library today. i remembered promising you that i will stop working long enough to take nori every monday. we sang, “you are my sunshine.” I’ll never forget the first time we sang that after you were diagnosed and the whole family happened to be at story time that day. And every single one of us tried to hide our tears as you sang to Olivia on your lap. I pleaded with God that day to let them find a cure for your type of cancer. i can’t believe that was 10mths ago.
…as I type and lean back to readjust the pillows you gave me when we moved in
…when nico looks up at the empty space above my head, smiles and chuckles away. I’ve always believed babies do that when they see their angels.  Now he has an especially awesome angel to smile and laugh with.

i miss you.

love, mel.

(i took this image while ali was living here. it was a regular night, nothing special going on. we just liked to goof off as often as possible. 🙂 when placing this image in the post, i noticed the angel on ali’s shirt, perfectly visible. ironic? it was a shirt brittany made for ali to tell her she was going to be anna’s “fairy godmother” since i am anna’s actual godmother. siiiiiiigh.)