What is it about holidays that brings on emotion after the loss of a loved one? My whole family is together weekly, often our extended included. Why is the void so much stronger because it’s a special day? I took this image of Ali, Ben, and Olivia last Easter.
An entire year has passed. Hard to believe. On Tuesday I was emailing with someone from NKU about another upcoming book fair this mth. She wanted some links concerning Ali from the blog. I was in the middle of working and why I thought it was a good idea to actually re-read the posts, I’m not sure. You can obviously assume what happened from there, as it wasn’t a pretty sight. It was Tuesday I realized Easter is days away and here we are celebrating another holiday one person short again.
Last night I was face booking in bed (terrible iPhone habit) and I read several posts about praying for people who just lost their loved one. I read a post about my friend who has been battling cancer for yrs and just finished up brain radiation. Then I read the faith filled blog of a mom whose birth I’m shooting in a couple weeks. Her sweet baby girl has t18 and the statistics of her living outside the womb are very low. I started to panic thinking about being at her delivery and the worst case scenario happening. I tried to distract myself and all I could see was Ali when I closed my eyes. And suddenly I was relating today, Good Friday, to these situations. I saw Mary at the foot of Jesus, begging for his agony to end. I saw my mom by Ali’s bed in the ICU praying her child through her death, like Mary. Then I saw my client holding her baby, praying, whispering in her ear for her to continue to take each breath. Before I knew it I was struggling to breathe myself. I put my phone down on my pillow and tried to control my breathing. I’ve never had a true anxiety attack, but from what Ali used to tell me, what I was experiencing was pretty close to it. I was on the verge of a ugly melt down which I desperately wanted to avoid. I hate crying myself to sleep. HATE. But I couldn’t stop thinking about death. About how we all will die. I’ve never been scared of my own death, it’s the death of my loved ones I fear. As Adam tried to soothe me, I told him how messed up it is that we all have to die and we have no idea how or when it’ll happen. He held my hand tight, cuddled up to me and said, “ya but we have to live first.” Yep. That’s kind of obvious. But since nov 3rd, I’ve had this lingering fear of who I will have to bury next. And last night it became a whirlwind of panic. Maybe I should change my outlook before I end up on meds! Who do I get to enjoy life with first? My two beautiful children, loving husband, the rest of my family, awesome supportive friends and a community constantly rallying for our family. Each day I get to create more memories with all these incredible people in my life. It was kind of a lightbulb moment when Adam said that. I’m still not sure how to control this fear. I’m not sure how to focus on life when there are so many terrible things in this world, disease, destruction, and hate. It’s really difficult not to focus on those things when you hear of someone’s unfortunate fate every.single.day. It’s hard to wake up and not succumb to the Debbie Downer mentality with all the negativity surrounding us. I know plenty of people who try to infect my life with negativity as it is. I can’t fuel the fire. I am alive and I want to celebrate life. With Easter here, how appropriate. Here’s to my boy Jesus!
Hope your Easter is wonderful and if you too are facing an empty plate at your table, I pray for peace in your heart.
Love, Mel.
Mel I know how you feel. When my dad passed away from cancer I had panic attacks for a couple years after he was gone. I also worried about who would get sick next or would it be my turn soon. Hang in there. You’ll learn how to enjoy the day to day again without worry it just takes time. Meanwhile sometimes it sucks! Keep that faith going.
love you. ur reflection brings me to tears, but also brings me back. …and yes living first.
We both love you and your family so much. We are still here for you no matter what!
Please keep talking through your grief on here. It helps your readers. Also, ‘Here’s to my boy Jesus’? Love that. 🙂
Mel
1st thanks for MY ugly cry for the day. 2nd know that you infect people each.and.every.day. Your faith filled life does more good than you realize. You make faith, religion, Jesus, God and Mary cool:)!
When I am sad, I try to picture my Mom with Jesus – visualizing her happy with Jesus BC she too lived her life so faithful and pure- that she deserves her eternal peace and happiness. She has her reward. Now I am left to try hard to do my best, to do good for others and earn my enternal peace.
I am sad for me but so happy for her. It’s just hard juggling which emotion to go with.
I will pray for your family, as I frequently do that Ali’s smile is vivid and contagious as your celebrate Easter. You are such a blessing!
Xxoo
ugh, i totally feel you. when you talked about that lingering fear…you described how i feel everyday since scott passed away. then my papa. i can’t tell you that fear will ever go away, but i can tell you that you can’t let it control you. and you sorta learn to live with it. there are so many wonderful people around you in this life to treasure and enjoy and love. you just need to try to focus on those people and just live! (i think i’m giving myself that advice by sending it to you, too). hang in there!
I’m in the exact place you are. My mom passed suddenly last year and everyday i go through the same fears and emotions. Hopefully soon we’ll both work through this and enjoy life again.
I found your blog randomly through Facebook, a mutual friends, friend.. ? I could not believe the similarities in your blog and my thoughts as of lately. I have lost 3 close family members in the past month, I have lost sleep, sanity and faith in the past month. I have stayed awake till the wee hours of the morning thinking of death, my death, more family and friends deaths, strangers death, death, life and then death again. I have felt lost with feelings of why are we here if it is all going to end, why love if it is just going to be taken away from me at some point either through my death or more loved ones deaths, what was the point, what is the point. I have felt confused and lost, petrified and angry all at the same time. Coming across your blog completely randomly makes me feel like my faith will be restored, I am not alone in my thoughts and in loss and eventhough we are strangers on this go around of life the similarities that we share are that we are alive right now at this minute and no matter the sadness or fear we may have for the future as your husband says we need to live first.. Thank you.
Our thoughts and prayers continue to be with your family. Dealing with the “firsts” without a loved one are always the hardest. I am always amazed with your stories and heartfelt emotions – I believe that someday when she is old enough, that Olivia will have this wonderful journal to read and know all about her mom – what a priceless gift for her in always keeping Ali’s memory alive.
Your words are so powerful and deep……Although I have never lost anyone that was as close to me as you were (are) to Ali, I must say that I can ABSOLUTELY relate, understand, and empathize. Death is just so hard to understand and grasp for all of us. However, might I suggest a good read called “Heaven is for real”. It is 4-year-old Coltons story, who emerged from life-threatening surgery with astounding details about heaven! Colton’s account includes floating away, looking down on his dad praying in the hospital, seeing God’s throne, and meeting relatives—including his sister who died in a miscarriage (and whom his parents had never mentioned). You may find some amazing comfort and solace in this……I know, I did! I will continue to pray for you and your family. That God will continue to surround you and give you a comfort and peace that surpasses all understanding. Thanks for continuing to share and bless us with your story…….