Walking to our gate in the airport, everything started to look so familiar. I felt a bit of deja vu until it hit me. Only one other time I sat at this gate and it was when you, me, Olivia and Nori flew to Hilton head. That trip was so crazy on the whim and one of those “why the hell not?” decisions we made. When deb asked us at Nori’s party to join her the next week on vacation we both said, “I wish!” But then you realized you didn’t have to work, the trip would basically be free, what would hold you back? So you started looking up flights and basically told me that Nori and I were joining you because, “you said so.”  We had always worked wonderfully as a team, so traveling with the kids wouldn’t be hard.

The gate held such a distinct place in my mind because I’ve watched a video of this spot no less than 50 times. It is one of Nori’s favorite videos to watch of herself! It was the first time Nori walked more than just two steps. She chose to walk to her Aunt Ali before anyone right there, next to the seats I was sitting in almost a yr and a half later. I could hear your voice as you cheered Nori on, step by step towards your open arms. As I walked down the gate ramp I remembered us giggling because we were without Adam and Ben. Our hands were full with diaper bags, purses, a bag of crap to entertain the kids during the flight, a 4.5mth old and a fresh one yr old. Oh and we each had a stroller. It really was quite a sight.

As Adam and I boarded the plane I glanced back to see where we sat last winter. The flight attendants asked people to move so we could have the entire last 2 rows to ourselves. They had been bending over backwards to help us. Something about two young blondes and their cutely dressed baby girls called for everyone’s attention.  People kept walking back to talk to us and the kids like they’d never seen a baby before. Of course we soaked up the attention and allowed them to pamper us. Not to mention free food and extra drinks both flights. Hell yes! Nori even got a tour of the plane and Olivia was bounced around the aisle to give you a break.  But of course Nori saw your open arms as a chance to jump in, even though she had two seats to herself. You read her books over and over most of that first flight. Man, Nori sure does love you.

People stared at us as we carried off all our “baggage” down the narrow steps onto the tarmac.  We had to laugh too as one of the kids would throw something two seconds after we’d rebalance ourselves. The shuttle from the plane to gate was most hysterical for me, not you. Poor Olivia was dressed for cold Cincinnati weather, not Miami where we were connecting. She was hot, tired, starving, and pissed. You desperately wanted to nurse her to calm her down but it seemed as though we were stuck in the middle of 75 people in a 50 passenger shuttle. Your anxiety and charm rewarded you with a seat and two men holding all your crap while you tried to discretely slip Olivia the boob. I was never amazed with how even strangers, would do anything for you.

While in the air, I wonder if I should feel closer to you. When speaking of heaven one always looks upward to the clouds. When flying above them, it’s like I’m “closer” to you but you still felt so far away. The clouds were beautiful, fluffy with a light pink sky peaking through beneath them. I imagined you floating above one, just outside our window. I don’t picture you in full human shape anymore, but I still can see your porcelain face. I knew if i kept up my desire to connect with you further, I’d soon be digging for tissues in my purse wedged under the seat in front of me.  I chose to fight the tears in public, so I had to stop myself from imagining you anymore. Though I wanted to feel that closeness to you, it just didn’t seem like the time or place to be so vulnerable.

Sure enough, as Adam and I were walking into our layover airport in Miami it occurred to me where we were entering. “Yep.” I told Adam this was the airport we had our layover too. I pointed to the snackbar where we bought a salad you made me share because you wanted me to eat something healthy. (You always forced me to eat well when you live with me. You and Ben even said I couldn’t have dessert until I ate my vegetables! Funny cause I’ll never forget when we were little and we hid our veggies in our milk or fed them to the dogs.)

Adam and I walked away from the gate for some time and when we came back I needed to charge my phone and mac. Why wouldn’t the ONLY outlet available be next to the very seats we sat in and barricaded the kids while we waited for our flight. I sat down talking to mom on the phone checking in on our babies since I had just heard a whaling baby cry. The sound of his scream made my heart hurt and miss the kids who I had only been gone from for 7hrs. While talking, someone walked by and brushed against our stuff. I noticed something fell out of my purse so when I hung up the phone I jumped up to grab it. Lump.in.throat. I couldn’t believe what it was. Mom always says she knows when you’re communicating with her because you throw it so obviously in her face. You’ve done it to me quite a few times, but this moment, I was already weak from reminiscing our trip. I picked up the small white  paper. I knew what it was the second I saw the shape and type on the back. Adam gave me a puzzled look, but I was so instantly moved to tears I couldn’t even speak. I handed him the ticket stub from our NKOTB concert the 3 of us went to last summer. The ticket stub I had tucked away in my wallet that night knowing it’d be a really long time til I’d remove it. That blogpost tells how great of a night it was for you, me and Britt. You  know I was clinging to those memories for fear it’d be one of the few last we’d have of just the 3 of us having fun. I have no clue how that stub found it’s way out of my wallet. I have no clue how it hasn’t been lost in my purse changes and kids rummaging through it on the counter. But what I know for certain is YOU blew that stub out of my purse at that moment. YOU needed me to know you remembered all those moments we shared at both airports and the trip. I’ve felt you a number of times recently, but that time, that time I felt you sitting next to me just like last year.  Almost as if in the flesh.

I’m so glad my client put us with the same airlines as our HHI trip. Otherwise, none of that would have happened for me and I really needed it to. We were even blessed with a sunset take off on the way home so we were above the clouds as the sky turned into a magical gradient of pink around the bright orange sun. My memories of HHI with you hold a special place in my heart because It was before “sick” and “cancer” crept into our lives. It was when you weren’t physically limited and your clothes weren’t baggy.  It was one of the last great memories I have when you were just so…you.

Thank you for your clever little reminders that you are always with us.

Love, Mel.