…As I sat in the living rm typing a blog about you at 1am, one of the toys in the toy chest say, “peek-a-boo, i SEE you!” I chuckled that it was you enjoying what I was writing. Then I heard the angel wind chime outside I received as a gift that was to remind me of your presence. My heart skipped a beat, not gonna lie. Slightly creeped out.

…I was clipping mine and Nori’s fingernails and I noticed she has your skinny nail shape. Your hands/nails were different from the other 4 of us. I was always jealous because you had pretty hands. I remember your ring finger nails had a funny wave where the nail grew off the nailbed. Maybe your hands were always more pretty because they rarely saw hard manual labor? You had no issues getting down and dirty doing service work, but around the house you…”delegated”. 🙂

…Whenever we go to smoothie king it’s hardly enjoyable for me anymore. All of us always get “pineapple surf” and if one of us wasn’t there to enjoy it, we’d for sure text an image of us enjoying it to rub it in their face. Adam even posted a pic on fb the other day saying, “This one is for you, Ali!”

…Adam was googling images last night. I started laughing because he’s terrified of what he might find. I laughed at him because when you lived here, we used to “google image” things on a daily basis. Anytime we or someone didn’t know what something was, it was almost a race for us to yell, “GOOGLE IT!!”  Remember that one time we watched video after video after watching the TLC show about rare birth defects. We were glued to my mac for like 3 hours. The videos were incredibly sad but it was like a train wreck, we couldn’t stop watching them!!

…Gina asked permission to print some images of you bald to share with her other female patients who were losing their hair. A patient said you looked so strong and proud.

…Mom delivered the books to the different libraries in your name. We handed Ms. Kathy and Ms. Catie theirs after story time. They kept saying “how beautiful and pretty” they all were stacked on the counter. I chuckled inside because only a librarian would say such thing, like a little kid in a candy store.

…I was working in bed and did something you used to do and it DROVE ME BONKERS. I ate a snack. I HATE when my bed has crumbs in it, but I was in a hotel, so I only had to deal with it for a day. I remember one time Ben was gone and you came home drunk. You made me cuddle you and twirl your hair. When I thought you were asleep I came back downstairs, only to have you barge in our room 30 minutes later. AND you had a handful of pretzels that were falling all over my bed as you jumped in and demanded to have a late night chat. I made you change my sheets the next day. 🙂

…I had to drive Adam’s car the other day and was unexpectedly hit in the face with your pic. I was unaware he kept your prayer card on his visor, very sweet of him. One of those moments I was feeling so “normal,” and thennnn I wasn’t.

…Every time I have a caeser salad toGo from Panera I think of your very first chemo treatment. I bought lunch for you, me and Ben and that was the first time I’d ever ordered a caeser from there. I vividly remember sitting in the wooden chair next to your recliner inside the curtained area. It was so surreal, because everyone around you was so old and sick and I refused to put you in the category of “sick.” I just remember being so anxious to get out of there. I kept my head down and focused on my salad and tried to ignore everything that was going on around me.

…Whenever I hear Olivia say a new word, I imagine you grinning ear to ear, feeling so proud. I just love hearing her say all of our names now. Nnnnnnnoriii is my favorite though, because she can finally communicate with her little BFF. DOUBLE TROUBLE, they are!

…All the jeans and some tops I have been wearing have been yours because they are the perfect “in between” for me. I stopped replying, “they’re Ali’s” whenever people complimented me on something because, I guess, I’ve inherited them. It’s a strange feeling knowing that I don’t need to bring them back if I don’t want to.

If I remember correctly, this image was one of the first times Brittany left baby Ella in our care. So we pretended to be asleep when she got home. Because we are funny like that.

Peace, Mel.