i can’t believe it’s been a year since we all sat at our parents house for mom’s sunday bday dinner. a year since you needed to go lay down because you felt super crappy. a year since i sat on the edge of your old bed at mom’s house as you said you think it’s more than pneumonia. you just knew something wasn’t right because every time they (mis)diagnosed you, the symptoms remained after medication. from upstairs in your old bedroom you realized you were struggling to find air, and it wasn’t because you were just fighting a cold. when you called mom on her cellphone instead of walking down the steps, as the rest of us happily sat at the dinner table celebrating, we realized this was serious. you often liked to nap or lay down when parties were loud and overwhelming. it didn’t seem out of the norm, so i wasn’t so worried about you. when mom left her own bday party to take you to the emergency rm at christ hospital, the party stopped. at the time we questioned your pain tolerance since you were always more sensitive than the rest of us, maybe you were just being dramatic. or so we hoped. who knew that was the first of probably 50 ER runs last year.
it’s been a year since mom called me hysterical at 3am telling me they put you in the oncology unit. she was terrified and deep inside she knew. she knew the dr.s weren’t being straight forward with her. she just knew it was cancer. they told her it was just precautionary because if the spots they found on the scans, were cancer, then you would have been in the right place to start the ball rolling.
a year since the first time “cancer” became a regular part of my vocabulary. your name became part of my every day conversation. you were all i talked about all day long.
march 13th was the first of many many maaaaany nights i laid in bed and cried. the first time i felt incredibly helpless. the first time adam held me as i sobbed in his arms. i tried to convince myself over and over, “it’s not cancer! lung cancer? what? no way. it’s NOT cancer. my sister CAN’T have cancer.”
a year since ben was out of town for work having no clue the terrible fate of his wife laying in a hospital bed.
a year since i frantically started texting my prayer chain of friends. something that became so normal to me on a daily basis. people always checking in to see if anything has changed and how you were doing. so many people were always concerned with your health. and now they text to see how i am doing because they know you are well again.
a year since my life changed forever.
(this image was taken march 5 2011, 8 days before. she looked so damn healthy.)
as we celebrate dinner for mom’s birthday this sunday, keep her in your thoughts, as her birthday will always remind her of the very beginning. we love you mom, this year is going to be a good one.
love, mel.
writing that put you all through it again, didnt it. <3
It seemed very strange and yet appropriate that I had to share that just as I started reading this and got to the part about her being admitted to the oncology unit…the song “I’m Going to Love You Through It” by Martina McBride came on!! Wow talk about powerful!! I never met Ali and I only know you Mel from Seton and we actually never met there either. Your writing is beautiful and very inspiring!! God Bless!! <
I will never forget you calling and saying, “luci, please pray your rosary!’. …”it’s my sister, Ali!”. I as overwhelmed at the thought of having a sister sick, and immediately called jacque, my sister to talk to her and unite in prayer with me. The love between sisters is so special. They are at times, most of the times, the only people in the world that get you, all of you. I never knew Ali, like I wish I had. But what I do know is that she lived in a state of “happy land”. Lol. That girl, was always beaming! So I hope for your mama’s birthday you celebrate with lots of smiles, laughter and joy, even through the tears that may come that day. Happy birthday mama Tracy! You sure did give this world some amazing women! Love you all very much. My whole heart is squeezing you with hugs. God bless!
We have all shed so many tears over the last year. There have been so many ups and downs, and then that final horrible day when we were all forced to say good-bye to such an incredible person! But the amazing thing that shines thru is how many lives Ali touched, and how many lives have been made better thru the fundraisers people are still having, IWe still cry every day and I ask God and Ali to ease our pain. But I just said to Roger that if we all help even 10% of those that Ali helped, our lives would have so much more meaning! Ali is/was the epitome of why God put us all here-to help others. I appreciate your words Mel, which have helped so many of us cope. And I appreciate the stories of Ali that have made us laugh and cry as we share what she meant to each one of us. Thru history, many ask if you remember where you were when someone famous died. We will all remember where we were when our angel left us. We are grateful we were together to pray for her as she passed. And there is no doubt in anyone’s mind where our sweet Ali is-looking down on us and sharing an incredible reward of peace with our Father. We love you Ali-you are always in our hearts!
As I wrote in my e-mail to friends late last summer….I try to look at what happened on my birthday last March as a gift that God sent me. If hadn’t recognized the signs knowing it wasn’t pneumonia and seeing how much weight she had lost putting on those skinny jeans that morning then I wouldn’t have had her call to order more tests and rushed her to the hospital two days later. We could have lost her way faster than the 8 months that we had her with us and for that I am forever grateful. Memories good and bad are with us forever but her example of such strong faith and acceptance of God’s Will is one of the best presents she could have ever given to me. Keeping God first in your life is best lesson you can teach your child. All else comes easier. God blessed us with 3 beautiful daughters…inside and out…the best gift of all.
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Sorry it took me so long to respond to this….I was totally thrown when I scrolled down and saw that picture of all of us. I had to shut it down immediately and stop reading. I remember her feeling crappy that day….when she went upstairs and we hung out in Lily’s room and she talked about having that “cold” for so long…Though one of the things that keeps coming to mind is when she first walked in to the party and I was super jealous of her cute outfit and adorable pink and black rainboots. Who would have thought to put yellow and pink and black together and still look classy and cute (besides you of course). I can see her standing in the foyer holding Olivia looking so fresh, sweet and healthy. Ugh. And then I think of that day I missed your call when you were on the way to that 1st trip to the ER. I still feel a little sick to my stomach that I missed it. Even after waking up in the middle of the night with that crazy dream and intense need to pray for you all day. I can still feel the panic after texting you and calling you back and you couldn’t answer. Sorry I missed it 🙁 Isn’t it silly that’s what I get stuck on, after all the texts, calls and prayers over the last year, I can’t get over that one.
Love you friend…xo