i’ve been thinking about grief a lot lately. how it sucks, mostly, but also how each person handles it so differently. most days i’m still pretending all is normal as a means of survival with two small children. other days i wake up from these wonderful dreams all night long. ali is there, we are having fun, i wake up with a smile on my face. i pick up my phone to text her about it, and thennnn…it hits me. hard. i don’t feel like doing anything but lay in bed and cry. that’s when i’m thankful i have the kids to force me to at least go through the motions of the day. tears are always a blink away on those days, but there is no way staying in bed is the healthy choice. those also seem to be the days nori insists on talking about ali the most too. she talks to ali as if she’s right in front of her face, and maybe she is? she tells me how ali is wearing a pretty pink dress and she can see her “right there” as she points to the air above our heads. and i wonder if she really can see her. i’m jealous because if she can, i want to as well. she talks about baby jesus and ali in heaven together. well, she actually talks about baby jesus a lot. did you know baby jesus is on “old mcdonald’s farm?” (i ask her what sound he makes but she just giggles cause she knows she’s being silly.)

i wonder if i’m grieving correctly? am i crying too much? not enough? are people surprised i can still smile and have fun? maybe i shouldn’t be so happy so soon? i really wonder how the hell did people grieve before the internet? before phones? i can’t imagine what i’d be like right now if i was sitting at home all alone and people had no clue what our family has gone through. sure there is word of mouth, people find out, but i’m sure they had hardly any support?! that must have been torture. just knowing thousands of people are praying for us, makes it so much easier. i like being told daily that my sister is still alive in the minds of everyone i know. so many people tell me they even have her picture displayed at work or in their home as a constant reminder to be a good person, a better mom and most importantly, to never take a single breath for granted. i’m so happy her spirit lives on, i pray it always does.

the other night i finally said something out loud that i’ve been dying to blurt out. constantly we are being told how inspiring ali and our family is. well you know what? i really freakin wish there wasn’t this opportunity to inspire people. can i trade in being inspirational in order to get my sister back? or better yet, why couldn’t people have been inspired by us the last 31 years while ali was alive? i don’t really know how to say what i mean if i’m not making sense. i’m grateful, but sad. sad that God had to steal her from us in order to give thousands of people a reality check.

one of ali’s nurses just got a new tattoo on her arm and it reads, “funny when your dead how people start Listening.” it’s a line in the song, “if I die young” by the band perry. it’s an uber popular country song that i’ve heard, but never really listened to. when i saw gina post a pic of her tat, i was interested in the lyrics. that line alone seems like it could have come directly out of ali’s mouth. growing up we felt outcasted. being the girls who got to school early to go to church wasn’t exactly the cool thing to do. during all the years we would do service, go to church, campus ministry, we always got flack for it. but now that she surrendered her life, people are finally realizing what’s important. i’m so happy people are prioritizing differently because the impact of ali’s selflessness. but God couldn’t open their eyes and keep her here at the same time? ugh. as i write this i’m realizing that my grief is shifting out of denial into a bit of anger. i’m ok with it. i’ve actually been waiting to feel anger, because it’s part of the process. i feel like i wouldn’t be human if i wasn’t pissed my sister is gone. why shouldn’t i be mad? it’s weird though because i’m not mad at God, just the situation. i guess? if people would have listened while she was alive, maybe she could have stayed. maybe he didn’t need to make an example out of her. it’s like the life of a starving artist. i wonder what van gogh has to say about never selling a single painting while alive and now you can’t even put a price on his work. people realized his talent too late. damnit, i knew ali had her priorities straight. i always did, hence why i followed in her foot steps my whole life. now i’m just left with a closet of her empty shoes, that my feet will fill and hers will never again.

the other line from the song that really resonated with me was “a sharp knife of a short life.” except those left behind are the ones being stabbed…in the heart…over and over. man, that statement sounded so dark. but it’s true, she gets to be in paradise, we don’t. the thought of death is frightening. britt and i just discussed the other day how it’s so scary because it’s permanent. that’s it. no coming back. no reset button. at least, that we know of? we talked about how we are scared because we only know and understand earth. however, when we get to paradise, we’d be all, “ohhhhhh, THIS is what it’s all about. earth sucks.”

i have so many questions now about the afterlife. i obviously can’t stop thinking about angels and heaven now, all the time. my questions are silly i know, but i can’t help but wonder. it kills me that no one knows the answers either. our concept of time, physical presence, EVERYTHING, must be so different than there. we have all read the book, “heaven is for real” and it gives me a bit of comfort. i do believe there is truth to everything the boy said. just like i believe nori is very much connected to up there. it just makes sense and she is too young to make things up. the mystery of it all is killing me all the sudden. i guess i just never thought of it because i’d never lost someone so close to me to care about how the afterlife works. but since ali is in the forefront of my brain most hours of the day, i daydream about it all. is she sitting on the couch next to me? staring me straight in the eyes as i type? maybe she’s not even here because she’s off saving the life of a friend? or maybe she’s here AND there at the same time. I WANT TO KNOW.

peace, melanie.

ps. britt also recently asked me if i think there are class differences in heaven? (i don’t think there are.) do celebrities mingle with the commoners in heaven? if so, has ali danced with Michael Jackson yet? (he was her all time favorite) we are sure she’s taught him a step or two. 🙂